Monday, September 28, 2009

Tales of Woe: A Babysitting Experience

I'm just hanging out... waiting for the police to show up and arrest me for child neglect...

Yeah... well... not really... but close... really close... police were involved... and children... but I don't think I'm gonna get arrested... tonight anyway...

Since I have ya'll on the edge of your seats here... let me start at the beginning...

My dishwasher broke on my birthday... yeah... so instead of typing the whole experience out again let me just direct you to the tale that started it all...

Ya back?

Good. So it's pretty much like that only there was no ant and it's been days and it's still not fixed. I can guarantee if Dad had to wash those dishes that dishwasher would be fixed by now... but nope... and since Kenneth or I would probably do more harm than good... I think I'm just going to have to wait patiently... grr... I'm not a very patient person... I prayed for more patience this morning...

I'm regretting that.


My dishwasher was broken. I was sad. I washed dishes for hours and hours... like fifteen hours, I'm sure of it. And then I had to go babysit some Jewish kids at the synagogue because it was Rosh Hashanah and their babysitter got the flu. Anyway. I was running a bit later than I would have liked but still would have made it there with time to spare... except some stupid stalker cop pulled me over because the stupid sticker on my stupid license plate was one stupid month expired. I was annoyed but managed to be totally polite and contrite... until they made me sit there over twenty minutes and politely threatened to tow my car. Go ahead! Tow my freakin' car, at least then I'll be spared the wrath of the angry synagogue people! I thought desperately at the man while trying to snatch my stupid stuff back and leave.

We (Myself and a friend who shall remain unnamed) walked in exactly twenty minutes late. Stupid cop. I'm still mad and that was Monday. Ugh. Anyway. We walk in and of course no one is around, they're all in the sanctuary place. So we start looking for a room full of kids.

There were no kids. Anywhere. So I run into the janitor guy (super nice guy, I think he's my favorite person there) and explain what's going on and he says that the kids are supposed to be in the youth room and that they'll probably trickle in later.

I heave a great sigh of relief and walk back to the youth room.

Suddenly this horrible wailing starts in the sanctuary place. It gets louder and louder until finally a very Irate Mom comes out towing a little person and carrying a second. "I thought there were supposed to be babysitters here!?" She irately exclaims.

Yeah. Um. That'd be me. I'm sorry. I stammer an apology... I'm not sure what it was..

Irate Mom hands me Screaming Child and goes back in after telling me their names and saying Screaming Child will stop screaming eventually.


Okay. Screaming Child screams for a good fifteen minutes until she wears herself out and falls asleep.


Her Big Brother is playing contentedly with Unnamed Helper and another girl about Micah's age.


Irate Mom comes back in the room.

I start to hyperventilate.

Turns out she's really really nice, she was just incredibly embarrassed because she was supposed to be doing a reading and her daughter starts screaming in the middle of it and she has to ask the Rabbi to take back over.

I'd be mad too.

Actually, I'd probably cry.

Anyway, then she wants my number and email address so I can maybe help her out with the kids while she's pregnant. The thought scares the snot out of me, but I felt about bad flat out refusing so I gave her my info.

She leaves to go back into the worship place.

Big Brother starts bouncing off the walls. Turns out he'd been cooped up all day in this little room. I take pity on him and allow Unnamed Helper to take him and Older Girl outside to play on the playground right outside the door.

I can't move for fear of waking Screaming Child.

Three minutes later Older Girl comes back in.

Big Brother is gone.

I died right there.

I wish.

Screaming Child wakes up when I leap up. "What?!" My voice sounds oddly strangled.

"We were playing hide and seek."

"What!?" My voice has recovered. I have to yell to be heard over screaming child.

We go outside and yell for Big Brother. Unnamed Helper takes off around the building... barefoot.

Big Brother comes back less than two minutes later. "Where's Unnamed Helper?" He asks innocently.

I struggle to keep my voice even. "Looking for you, Big Brother. Let's go back inside and wait for him." I turn around and find to my horror that the door is locked.

My heart sinks to even further depths.

Screaming Child ceases her screaming momentarily as Unnamed Helper comes running back around the builiding. He sags in relief when he spots Big Brother. "Where were you?" He demanded, annoyed.

"Where were you?" I ask, nearly in tears.

"Well, I ran into a cop."

"What!?" I pray that God takes me right there.

"I didn't mean to, he stopped me." Unnamed Helper looks worried.

"What did you say?"

"He asked me what I was doing?"

"What did you say?!" I'm not sure which was worse, the nausea or the hysteria.

"I told him I was looking for a little boy."

I think I was having an out of body experience as I left Unnamed Helper, Big Brother, and Older Girl at the back door and I walk quickly around to the front door carrying Screaming Child. I run into a cop.

"She's cute."

"Yeah. She's tired. And wants her mom... and... we um... got locked out." Strangled laugh. Yup. I'm definitely getting hysterical. I dart back down the hall, Screaming child's cries reverberating throughout the building, and let the others back in.

Big Brother continues to bounce off the walls until I relent and let them back outside. Unnamed Helper promises to not let them out of sight.

My bonding time with Screaming Child was interrupted as an old guy and another cop walks into the youth room. I throw a nervous smile at them and focus on trying to calm Screaming Child.

"Are you her mother?" The old guy asks snidely, smirking.

Um, yeah, that would be why she's screaming for her mother at the top of her lungs. "No, I'm, um, the babysitter?" I reply tentatively, leaving the acerbic commentary in my head where it's safer.

"Do you have someone helping you?" Mr. Smirky asks, his tone making it very clear that he already knows the answer.

"Um, yeah?"

"Where is he?"

I want to slap the smug smirk off his face but I restrain myself and meekly reply. "He's... um... he's outside with Big Brother and Older Girl?" I stammer pathetically. Playing in traffic whilst running with scissors.

"Well he needs to come back inside and whoever he's with needs to come in as well. You're not allowed to leave this room." Mr. Smirky says condescendingly. "And he really should be wearing shoes." Mr. Smirky glances around the room, disdain plainly written on his aged visage. "These toys should not be out. She," He gestures toward Screaming Child. "Could choke on them."

Do I look like I was born yesterday? Yeah, I know losing a kid is a pretty big no-no but c'mon... I'm holding Screaming Child, age appropriate toys are the only ones near us, give me a break, okay? I nod mutely instead.

Mr. Smirky and Silent Cop leave.

I die some more then call Unnamed Helper, Big Brother, and Older Girl back in.

Nice Mom -- formerly known as Irate Mom -- comes back a half an hour or so later. "Oh, they look like they're doing great."

"Yeah, um, Unnamed Helper and Big Brother were playing hide and seek outside." I feel myself getting hysterical again.

"That's nice."

"Yeah, but, um, they're back in now!" I do that weird choking laugh thing again, sweat beading on my forehead.

Nice Mom doesn't notice. I chat with her until I can escape gracefully.

I'm still waiting for an irate email from Nice Mom when she finds out I lost her kid.

I haven't heard from anybody about them actually paying me for those three torturous hours.

But that's okay. I escaped with my life and haven't been arrested... yet... of course it's only been three days... *hysterical smiley*

*Update- Dad thinks he fixed my dishwasher while I was writing this... cross your fingers...

Oh and I totally was not exaggerating! Just ask Unnamed Helper. For real, folks, it was horrible.